Imagine a world without Tom Cruise. For some (many?) of you, this could be very appealing. No wacky hijinks on Oprah’s couch. No more creepy applications of Scientology (hint: John Travolta is a Scientologist, but is decidedly non-creepy about it). No more TomKat press coverage and wondering if Baby Suri is actually fake. No more of The Tooth.
What? You didn’t know about The Tooth? Look at the following picture of Mr. Cruise grinning:
There, there right in the middle of his mouth. A misaligned tooth; still capped and white and gleaming, but right in the middle of his face. This will haunt you every time you see him on the big screen, that centered tooth.
But when you watch Tom Cruise in a movie, you’re looking into exactly what I’ve described: a Cruise-less universe. There is no way that someone who looks like Tom Cruise could exist with the jobs that Tom Cruise’s characters play in movies. Good example are the Mission: Impossible films. You couldn’t employ Ethan Hunt if he looked like that! He would be a terrible spy, even with all the mask-wearing technology they seem to have. All the bad guys would have to know is to “look for a guy that looks exactly like Tom Cruise. Yeah, the tooth and everything. That’s the super top-secret spy.” And then he’d be dead and we’d be left with over two hours of, oh I don’t know, someone slamming through office doors or doing Aaron Sorkin pediconferences wondering what absolute moron decided to make a Tom Cruise lookalike their top spy?
I have only been compared to one movie star in my life (Gaby Hoffman, when she was in Now and Then and I was in junior high and had long hair), but I often wonder what life would be like if it was more movie-esque. Since I’m a list-making fool, let’s break it down by genre:
- Horror: This would suck, flat out. Zombies, girls crawling from televisions, psychotic killers kidnapping you and putting you in some kind of crazy puzzle world. No thanks.
- Romantic comedy: Nice, but possibly obnoxious after a while. Everyone would always have a weird personailty quirk, and there would be extremely predictable life arcs.
- Foreign language: Well, I think I’m living in one right now, so check the archives for how that’s going.
- Drama: Fairly close to real-life, but no wacky hijinks. What’s the point if there aren’t hijinks, I ask you?
- Silent: Umm…
- Sci-fi or fantasy: Again, I’m living in Japan. Keeping your grip on reality here can be a bit rough. I guess this same reason could be used for “animation” as well. I have never been in such a cartoony place, and that includes all theme parks and Halloween parties I’ve ever been to combined.
So, life isn’t a movie, but that’s why people make and watch movies, to escape from daily life, to have an alternate view of things. It’s also why people read, watch TV programs, listen to radio dramas (yes, they still exist), and consume fiction in general; even if it’s set in a painfully-real situation, even if you can identify yourself and everyone you know in the characters on the page or screen, it’s still not real. You can examine it from outside yourself, and isn’t it always easier to see the solution to someone else’s problems than your own?
Hey, did you ever get your secret santa gift? I’m hoping it didn’t get horribly lost.
Yes I did, and thank you! The unicorns are locked in epic Cold War battle on top of my TV. They are brilliant!!